I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
