hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
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