If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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