Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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