I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
