I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
