Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
