We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
