Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
