So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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