She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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