Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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