I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
