mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize
