Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Randomize
