Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
my being single is dangerous.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
