I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize