saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
