i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
