I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
