I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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