I faked an abortion last night.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
