I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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