Small penises have feelings too.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
