we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
