I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
only you would photoshop your dick
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
