my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
