He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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