all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
