This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
