i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
