aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
