You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
