I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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