So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
