I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
