Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
