Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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