Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
All the doctor said was why
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
