Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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