Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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