I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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