another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
