Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
This is the high leading the old right now
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
