Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
