I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
