so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
