it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
