btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
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