Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
