My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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