I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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