Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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