Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
