never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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