Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
soo... how was my night?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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