Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
