he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
