guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
